I have a weekend off in retail. Almost unheard of, but of course it comes after a 12 day stretch of solid crazy days. I had two major life events for this spring season happen in the last two weeks: Nordstrom Spring Fragrance Festival and my National Fragrance Certification test.
Two things I have been stressing about for the last month. On top of that studying for nutrition school, in our final stretch getting ready to graduate the end of May. I have also been trying to date and have a personal life…so that has left me with zero Laura time….and with all those plates spinning and pots boiling…that is where I start to fall apart. I know that about myself. I am overcommitted, but still expect myself to perform at a crazy degree of excellence. Not healthy. Exactly the opposite of what I would teach others….RED LIGHTS FLASHING LAURA PRESTON.
So today, I am getting quiet. Doing some soul-searching. I made a promise to myself in January that this was going to be a pivotal year in my life. The bridge –the year of change. A year that is going to take me into the next season of my life. A year of transition. A year where I was going to transition multiple things: eating habits, fitness, career, finances, hopefully find and start a meaningful relationship….a year to set the stage.
Time for a check in. We are in May—1/3 of the year has passed. Where do I sit in my goals? Are they still the same? Am I on track? So I asked myself some hard questions. Questions we should all ask ourselves once in a while. I wanted to share the path, because it is hard to be honest with yourself. If you lie to yourself, the only one you are hurting is you.
What do I want?
I want to wake up every day and not feel that dread of I have to go to work. I want to live in a strong and healthy body. By that, I don’t mean the perfect body, as I have yet to meet someone who loves their body to the point of perfection. I want a body that will support the life path I want to lead. I want a body that will help me achieve and do the things I want in my life. I want to look in the mirror, at a naked body that does not disgust me. I want a body that I can be proud of….one that I have earned…by honoring and feeding it. I want a rich soul, one that is wise and growing. To be someone who can appreciate the beautiful wonderful things in life….but also finds the pure beauty in simplicity. I want rich and honest relationships. Relationships with people who I respect love and admire. People that love humanity. People that want to be their best and want the best for those around them. I want a significant other that will support and push me to be all that I can be, that will support my dreams and desires, who will encourage my crazy….and, let me love him to pieces. I want Max to live till eternity because I know my heart will shatter when he leaves me. I want to grow closer to my family who loves me— to cherish and understand them, don’t get frustrated….and stop taking them for granted.
I really want to learn how to slow down and appreciate all that I have….to expect less of everyone around me and at times of myself. To learn to stop to enjoy, instead of look for how I can get stronger and better. Learn to just BE. I need to learn how to stop being so defensive and ready to fight. I need to forgive some of the hurts of the past. Realize I don’t have to live with a guard. Everything is not a competition or a personal attack on me. At the end of the day I know my heart, soul and character. I don’t need to prove it to anyone. If one takes the time to know me, they will know me. I don’t need to tell. Let them learn—in their own time and pace.
I want to find a financial safe ground. I am tired of answering to the past. We all have a past. I want to feel I am on solid ground again. I want a new beginning. I wish I could stop paying so hard today for yesterday’s mistakes. I would love some fresh air to breath.
What do I need to do right now?
I need to regain control of my life. I need to learn to say NO and schedule ME first. I need to create and define the life I am meant to live. A life I love to wake up in everyday. A life I want to open and share with someone. A life where I don’t use the phrases:
I am done…
I am so pissed….
I need to regain control of my diet. I need to feed my body the real and nutritious foods that it deserves. I need to abstain from destructive things like sugar and alcohol. They do absolutely no good to the body, they are pure destruction, and I always feel their after math. If I am honest in the moments I am consuming them….I am seeking something else. I am seeking confidence on a date or to fit into a social situation– with alcohol. Sugar always fills a hole….it fills insecurity. It fills loneliness. All they do in the end is intensify the situation and lead to more destruction.
I need to dial back into my body and fitness. My body is craving that cardio release that use to be my high. That hour that use to clear my mind and relax my soul. That hour that would clear all the clouds.
I need to stop dating less than I am willing to settle for in a relationship. I know that it is going to take a special person to fill that seat. He needs to be worthy of all I am going to give….and I need to be ready to love him the way he will deserve.
I need to start building my studio. I will never know all there is to know. But what I know today is enough to start digging. It will be a studio that will start virtually that will hopefully lead to a real live space. A space for anyone struggling with obesity to find refuge. Where they will be supported and understood….but will be pushed to start answering the hard questions. The why and how they got here. The questions I force myself to answer constantly. A place where one can design the path to freedom. A place to define their bio-individuality. A place to work on the whole being….not just the physical frame. I truly believe my incredible life journey has trained me to create this space. My experience and background in fashion, fitness, cosmetics, business, personal development, weight loss, relationships and being the forever single girl….I know this is a path that god has designed for me, to bring me to a place of utilizing it. The people I meet, the connections I have, the experiences I have had, the places I have lived….I am convinced it is all part of a master plan. The only piece that is left now….is me believing I am enough. I want to be stronger than the fear of failure.
It is time to Regain Control…..are you IIN?